The Boob Tube

Breastfeeding.

Who knew it was a skill? I always figured you’d take the kid, hold him in front of your breast and he’d know what to do. I mean, he’s hungry right? Go for it, son!

We got it working, but at first it’s not unlike feeding a sleepy kitten whole bananas. Ok I made that up and it doesn’t quite make sense, but the point is it’s hard. We think it’s easy because the women with the confidence to do it in public are clearly trained professionals. They’ve got it all worked out and the rest of us are home trying to keep the kitten awake.

Just like most of our generation we took a childbirth class, where you pay to learn all the stuff your parents could tell you if only you’d listen to them. They gave us some great reasons why we should breastfeed, such as a better immune system and fewer allergies for the keiki, and it sounded great and all but really I stopped listening when they said it’s mom that has to wake up around the clock to feed the little one.

Yes!

We are a couple of devoted breastfeeders, honey! You know, we’ll do it for the kid, just like they said in class. Good for you.

Then I found out I was on diaper duty.

Ok wow. You have no idea. Kids these days are trained killers! The moment they feel fresh air down there they pee on you. Of course like any newbie parent you try the old cover-cover-wait-for-it-waiiiiit-ok-GO! routine, but you have no chance. Their algorithm is too simple. Too perfect.

1. Wait until you can pee on dad.

2. Pee on him.

I don’t have a chance.

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